I'll be honest, I'm real bad at secret keeping.
So... I've just been avoiding sitting down at my computer for the last few months,
because I've really wanted to not keep secrets.

But now I can tell you.

Ryan and I are expecting a little girl! She's due in March and we couldn't be more excited. I will write a more detailed posted a little later, but here is how we told our families.

We drove down to Orem Friday night and surprised Ryan's family by bringing home his little sister from Rexburg. We told them that Saturday morning we were going to get up early and go to my aunt's house to have breakfast and watch conference, but we really weren't.

We got up and headed out of the house at about 8:10, we stopped and had the most sugar filled breakfast at Kneaders, which I hadn't had in WAY too long. We shared the french toast, a cinnamon roll, and a strawberry smoothie. It was so good and so much sugar.
Then we headed to Fetal Fotos, and they were so great to work with. They really took their time and showed up all the different parts of baby and then we finally found out we were having a girl :)

We then went to my aunt's house (so only part of our excuse was a lie haha) and made cupcakes and watched the first session of conference. A few people knew what we were up to, so we teased them and sent this picture and said "It's a...."
It probably wasn't very nice of us, but we had fun.

We didn't think my parents were going to come to my aunts after my sister's soccer game so we headed to Ryan's, but about 1/2 there my dad called and said they'd decided to stop by- so we turned around.  

We walked in and I showed my parents the cupcakes
And my mom said "You told us you weren't finding out until the 10th" which is true, we did... another lie. I told her we did and to eat a cupcake and find out and she said "well I can see pink on that one, so it must be a girl" haha she didn't really play along. But the rest of the cousins and family did so it was fun. They were surprised because they were all sure I was having a boy- I have been CRAZY sick and that's usually what happens with boys in our family. (I'm hoping boys aren't worse for me because this has been soooo bad). They had to feed me at that point because I get real sick and real hangry if my tummy is empty, I won't complain haha it got me leftover Olive Garden and I was in heaven. 

We then headed to the Brereton's for the second session, they were at the store when we got there so we just set the cupcakes on the counter under my binder and didn't say anything. They got home and had lunch (yay second lunch!) and Ryan's dad saw the cupcakes, we had to wait for his sister to get there so we were telling them about how we'd lied and I TOLD them what we were having on accident!! It was so bad haha but only a few of them heard, which was good, and his mom actually heard wrong so it turned out fun anyway. His sister got home and we did the reveal to them. So it all worked out.
Sunday we went to his grandma and aunt's house and gave them the ? cupcakes from both groups to surprise them. Ryan said "I have a cupcake for you, it is special but I'm not telling you why... just take a bite as soon as I give it to you", they were confused, but did so anyway. It was fun to surprise them as well...

So... anyway, that's the story haha more details about the pregnancy thus far, our temporary puppy situation, and life here in Logan to come... but today is the first day I have felt like a human in a long time, so I'm going to attempt to be productive!



Our life has been CRAZY the last two months.

Where to start. I don't even know!
I guess a good place to catch up would be here.


some major bullet points (in no order):
  • We bought a HOUSE in Logan and moved in over the fourth of July! It has been so fun!
  • We painted and are all unpacked
  • Ryan went to des moines and I went to Vernal and fell in love with puppies (#getshelbieapuppy... it's real thing. use it)
  • I got my ears pierced to see if it would help with migraines- haven't had one since 6.29.2016- crazy huh?
and.... that's about it. well kind of...
more to come later :)



Let's just say I'm the worst.
I totally meant to post this last night, then again this morning, and then right when I got home...
Hello 10:00 PM.

Sorry 'bout it. 
Also on a scale of 1 to 10,
I'm a solid 15 for awkwardness.
(thanks to hubs for taking me for BOGO chipotle and then taking pictures for me)
props to all the fashion bloggers in the world,
cause getting dressed is a real struggle.

I think the idea was to get dressed up and put cute clothes on,
instead, I put on 7 dollar Forever 21 pants
and combat boots
 (you can't see them... again... I'm awkward)
girliness fail.

Here are the other lovely ladies participating in this month's How We Wore It! Check them out!

Deidre at Deidre Emme
Emily at Emmy Jake
Brooke at Silver Lining
Suerra at Sierra's View
Justine at Little Dove
Kiana at Glitter & Donuts
Tayler at The Morrell Tale
Patricia at haifisch
Kelsi at Lovestrong
Emma at Ever Emma
Nellwyn at The Cardinal Press
Ruth at My Little Nest

To sign up, go to Deidre's blog! It's selected randomly so don't feel bad if you don't get in the first time around!

here is the original picture
Spring Skirts



After talking with a friend that suffers from really bad anxiety, I felt like I should share this.
This is not completely about me,
this is just trying to help others see.
Yes things give me anxiety, but I'm learning to handle it.
This is just hoping to open the eyes of those around me. 
It isn't meant to offend anyone. Just to explain. 

There are two groups of people that I can see.
Those who hear the word anxiety and understand with empathy.
And those who hear the word anxiety and understand with sympathy.

The effects of anxiety can sometimes be explained,
   but being truly understood...
      that can only happen by those who have experienced it firsthand.

Witnessing anxiety may help you catch some insight
   but only feeling it can give true explanation.

We can tell you how our lungs feel tight,
   breathing is hard,
      and how our heads start to spin,
         while running 1,000 miles in 9 directions.

We can tell you how we fight back tears,
   how we're always looking for the closest escape path,
      or how it is easier to not decide and run than it is to face things.

We can tell you the flight or fight response
   that turns into a deer in the headlights.

We can explain to you the panic that sets in,
   the stress that doesn't leave,
      even during sleep.

We can tell you about the migraines that never seem to end,
   which make us sleep less
      and think more
         and make the migraines even worse
            which makes the stress grow
               which makes sleep even more elusive. 

 We can tell you how all we want to do is keep our head above water,
   but that the weight on our shoulders,
      the pressure in our lungs,
         and the pains in our back, neck and head
           are constantly pulling us back down;
              leaving us seconds away from panicking...
                 and how this feeling is happening all the time.

We can in talk circles about anxiety,
   but until/unless it is felt,
      it can't be understood.

We could tell you how we want to scream when people say "just relax"
   "it'll be fine"
      "you need to relax"
         "it isn't that big of a deal"
            "just breathe, it'll make you feel better".

Don't you think we've tried?

Can't you hear the tight and forced breaths?

Haven't you heard us say we know it isn't a big deal.

Don't you think we've tried yoga,
   we've tried running
      we've tried writing, painting, and reading.
         Anxiety is still the victor.

Don't you think we want this to be as easy as you say it is?

It isn't a choice.
   It is a reaction- one our bodies and minds make without giving us a choice.
      We are constantly fighting a battle against ourselves,
         how do we ever have a shot at winning?

It isn't for the attention.
   It is a real life, ever present, engulfing problem.
      It is the thought that at any moment we might not be able to breathe,
         like a thousand sandbags are filling our lungs and our chest.
           It isn't imaginary.

Some days it's fine.
   Some days it isn't.

We're learning,
   we are coping,
      just let us try.



I'm aware I've been MIA on both this blog and our 365 for quite some time, and though only Ryan and a rare few ever read these- I apologize anyway.
I could tell you it is because we've been busy-
     which is true.
I could also tell you that between working 40 hours and 16 credits I just don't have time-
     which is also true.
There could be a list of reasons I haven't written...
     all of which are true,
         none of which are the actual reason.

Though the sentences below will lead you to think contrary,
I don't mean to be vague, mysterious or obscure... the truth is that writing has hurt. 
All the thoughts I want to tell you, feel too personal. 
All the things I think about saying, I don't dare put into words. 
All the stories I want to be writing, wouldn't feel true. 
All the posts I've written in my head, I don't want to be viewed.  

I've been in a funk.
Because all these plans we are making, don't seem to be coming anytime soon.
I've been wishing, we've been praying, doing all that we can do,
    and yet we show up, empty handed.

Stress has been getting the better of me.
Emotions too.
Poor Ryan has had to put up with a lot, and yet he still loves me. 
I'm pretty stinking lucky. 

Now don't worry, I know those sound negative.
Ryan and I are doing great.
He's amazing and wonderful as ever.
We are happy to be back in Utah, surrounded by family.
We have been able to spend time with both sides,
    welcome his sister home from the Philippines
       and enjoy our anniversary together since I last wrote.
Stories and video of all these will come around soon.
I just need the time and energy to finish them.

Until then, sorry to leave you with such unexplained words. 



She used to say it to me all the time, 
"you get what you get, don't throw a fit." 
Sounds familiar, 

I feel like I should know by now, 
you don't get to make all the choices in life. 
Some hands are just dealt and you deal with them- 
no go fish, no swapping, 
no cards up your sleeve,
no one peeking over your shoulder to make sure you win. 

And sometimes you don't quite catch life's bluffs. 
You wholeheartedly believe that you are playing the same game, 
the same hand. 

Then all the sudden you look up, 
from your game of 5-Card Draw,
 to find out that life has been playing Texas Hold 'Em... 
and it sucks. 

That sneaking son-of-a-gun had you thinking you were going to win, 
going to succeed, 
going to have all your wildest wishes come true... 

then it hands you a used Dum Dum and says 
"better luck next time." 

You got played, 
you were hustled, 
you played right life's winning hand.

And it sucks.

But what sucks more,
is seeing those around you,
at their own tables with life,
playing the game you thought you were playing,
and winning without trying.

Success without effort.

But you,
you're sweat covered,
out of tears,
not sure what to do next...
and they've got everything you wanted.
All that you worked for,
was handed to them...

That sucks too.

But you have to be happy,
you have to celebrate with them,
cheer them on...
while secretly wishing it was you.

I guess mom's really do know it all. 



It has been a scary process, one that I wish I would have embarked on a few days sooner- but that's the past and I can't really change it, so I'll just move forward. Many of you know, I started taking online classes this semester- changing my major for the umpteenth time. Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education. I loaded up with 16 credits and settled in for the long haul. The start of this week though, I realized I really honestly and truthfully couldn't care less about place of articulation or transcribing words into their phonetic sounds. I just don't, I was trying really hard to be excited... but every time someone mentioned teaching I felt like I was missing something.

Unfortunately the last day to drop classes was the end of January- thus why I wish I would have realized sooner.

Anyway, Ryan has been a saint. He is the most supportive person I've ever met and I am so so so thankful for his push for me to start over in looking at school options. Now all that's left is to figure out what, where, how and when... Ya know, nothing to major. We spent hours last night making a Ryan version of a pro/con list and got a few good ideas, but we have a bunch of things to factor in that we don't even know how to factor. M

So here's to the long road of finding what I want to be when I grow up...