July 4th:
I decided that if nothing had happened by the next day, I would go get the medicine, but decided to take a test just to be sure. A line showed up, a really faint line, but a line nonetheless. I didn't believe it, and I definitely didn't want to tell Ryan unless I knew for sure. (The line in this picture is super hard to see, but in person, it was really there).
 So I asked a group on facebook if I was crazy, they said they saw it too and to take another test in a few hours... so I did.
(The top test was the first one and the bottom was the second)
There was definitely a line, and it was definitely darker than before. I still didn't want to tell Ryan. We were so excited about the house and about lawn mowers (yes we are old) and painting, and I didn't want to get excited about "nothing" again. So I decided I would wait until the next day.
Obviously I went a little crazy at this point,. Ryan at this point was probably confused why I had to pee so often haha cause I seriously went in there like 50 times. But now I for sure knew I wasn't crazy but I needed to see the word "pregnant" so I took a digital test that I had been hiding in the bathroom stuff. 
I honestly couldn't believe it. Or keep it a secret any longer. So I set up a little display in our room.
We had been painting all day, so I had to think of ways to get Ryan into our room. I asked him to see if my water was in there, then to grab my phone charger, then something else and finally I just told him I was tired and needed a nap. He let me go "nap" (really I was just sitting there waiting for him to come in) and about 30 minutes later her came in to check on me. That's when he finally saw it. He stood in the doorway with the cutest grin on his face and asked "does this mean? Are you really? Are we having a baby?"

There was a lot of laughter and a lot of tears, but mostly just happiness. This was it. It felt real this time, our little family of two was growing, and we couldn't have been more excited. 



Not many people know this story, but I decided it is something I want to share- because it helps me see how truly blessed we are. It is a long story, so feel free to skip around or skip it all haha. It also probably gives you more details of our life than you really want, so I won't be offended if you don't read it.

Sept. 2015:
I was having migraines about 3 times a week. We had tried adjusting our diets, water intake, exercise, sleep schedules, everything we could think of, but nothing helped. So we made an appointment with a doctor in Des Moines- she came to the same conclusion we had: it was either stress or hormones. We decided to see if stopping birth control would help. We know what most people probably think at this point- you've only been married for 6 months, you don't need a baby yet. We have always wanted to start having kids fairly quickly, so we figured 6 months or a year, what was the difference. So I stopped taking it, and we decided to just see what would happen. We knew how cycles and ovulation worked, and for those who know how "planner" oriented Ryan and I are, we were basically trying without saying it. In our minds, we were probably going to end up pregnant that month, because that's what you always hear about happening right? Well that wasn't the case for us.

December 2015/January 2016:
We talked with the doctor at my yearly check up and told her what we had been doing up to this point- she told us that if we weren't pregnant by March to come talk to her again because we were young and healthy and there really shouldn't be too much going on.

March 2016:
We moved back to Utah, I went to see a new doctor and told her everything the last doctor had talked with us about. She asked me to start being more specific in tracking my cycles- this included taking my temperature each morning, coming in on days 3 and 21 of my cycle to check my hormone levels. The next month she told us she didn't think I was actually ovulating- she wanted us to track my cycle for one more month before we moved forward.

April 10th 2016:
I was late- which never happened. I was always very, very regular with my cycles. So... I took a pregnancy test- it was really really faintly positive but I wanted to have more proof before I told Ryan. Besides, his birthday was the next day, so it would be super fun to tell him then. Then next morning I took another test and sure enough, the line was there and slightly darker than before, so I told Ryan. We were so excited. I told him we could call the doctor later that day and let her know that she was wrong and that I was pregnant. About 5 o'clock that night I started cramping really bad and my period started. I had heard it was possible to spot for the first few weeks of pregnancy, but this wasn't just spotting (tmi? sorry). The doctor's office was closed for the day, so Ryan and I started reading what we could. I started asking a few groups on facebook if this had happened to anyone and what it meant. The answer was pretty unanimous- we had what they call a chemical pregnancy. Which is basically a very early miscarriage. I was devastated. It was Ryan's birthday and I had already done something wrong to make us lose our baby. It was a rough night. The next morning, I called the doctor to let her know what had happened. She asked told me that we should wait a cycle before we try again, just so my body could get back in rhythm- I don't know why, but this made the whole thing worse. To top it off my migraines were back with vengence.

I was angry, with myself, with the doctor, but mostly with Heavenly Father. Why would he get our hopes up, just to take them away? Why us? I knew there were a lot of possibilities about why it had happened but it still didn't seem right. My sister and her husband had only tried for about a month before she got pregnant and here we were, about 7 months into the whole thing. I blamed myself and Heavenly Father. I knew he had a plan for Ryan and I and our little family, but I didn't care. I was mad.

May 2016:
The cycle after our chemical was extremely long- 45 days to be exact (where 30 was fairly normal). The doctor said that usually means you aren't ovulating or if you are the egg is no longer viable. She said for the next cycle if it got to be longer than 35 days to come in and they'd give me some medication to jumpstart the next one.

July 1st:
The doctor called and asked why she hadn't heard from me- it was two days passed the time I was supposed to call for medication. I told her we had been really busy and I had been out of town for a week and then we were moving that weekend, so I honestly had forgotten. She said she would call the prescription in for me, as well as one for Clomid, because she said there was basically no way we could get pregnant on our own. She called it into Logan so I could go pick it up anytime that weekend.

I felt really nervous about going to get it, to be honest, it just felt wrong. We were pretty sure I had ovulated that month, just way later than we thought- so taking that medicine would be I basically took away any chance we had of getting pregnant that month.



I haven't dared write for a while,
          which is silly to me...
I've always felt comfortable writing,
          mostly because no one really reads this-
                    except maybe Ryan.

Anyway, with everything that has been going on in the world,
I have been so worried about offending someone
          or sharing something too personal.
So it has been easier to just not write anything.
I've tried to be better at my written journal,
          but truth be told,
                    my handwriting is bad
                              and I'm lazy.
Typing is much easier,
          and I'm better able to keep up with my brain while typing.

Why am I telling you all this?
I'm not totally sure.

I don't know if this means I've decided to write on a more personal blog for only me and my little family to see.
Or if I really don't care what other people think...
I'm kind of at a loss.
So... that's all.



I'll be honest, I'm real bad at secret keeping.
So... I've just been avoiding sitting down at my computer for the last few months,
because I've really wanted to not keep secrets.

But now I can tell you.

Ryan and I are expecting a little girl! She's due in March and we couldn't be more excited. I will write a more detailed posted a little later, but here is how we told our families.

We drove down to Orem Friday night and surprised Ryan's family by bringing home his little sister from Rexburg. We told them that Saturday morning we were going to get up early and go to my aunt's house to have breakfast and watch conference, but we really weren't.

We got up and headed out of the house at about 8:10, we stopped and had the most sugar filled breakfast at Kneaders, which I hadn't had in WAY too long. We shared the french toast, a cinnamon roll, and a strawberry smoothie. It was so good and so much sugar.
Then we headed to Fetal Fotos, and they were so great to work with. They really took their time and showed up all the different parts of baby and then we finally found out we were having a girl :)

We then went to my aunt's house (so only part of our excuse was a lie haha) and made cupcakes and watched the first session of conference. A few people knew what we were up to, so we teased them and sent this picture and said "It's a...."
It probably wasn't very nice of us, but we had fun.

We didn't think my parents were going to come to my aunts after my sister's soccer game so we headed to Ryan's, but about 1/2 there my dad called and said they'd decided to stop by- so we turned around.  

We walked in and I showed my parents the cupcakes
And my mom said "You told us you weren't finding out until the 10th" which is true, we did... another lie. I told her we did and to eat a cupcake and find out and she said "well I can see pink on that one, so it must be a girl" haha she didn't really play along. But the rest of the cousins and family did so it was fun. They were surprised because they were all sure I was having a boy- I have been CRAZY sick and that's usually what happens with boys in our family. (I'm hoping boys aren't worse for me because this has been soooo bad). They had to feed me at that point because I get real sick and real hangry if my tummy is empty, I won't complain haha it got me leftover Olive Garden and I was in heaven. 

We then headed to the Brereton's for the second session, they were at the store when we got there so we just set the cupcakes on the counter under my binder and didn't say anything. They got home and had lunch (yay second lunch!) and Ryan's dad saw the cupcakes, we had to wait for his sister to get there so we were telling them about how we'd lied and I TOLD them what we were having on accident!! It was so bad haha but only a few of them heard, which was good, and his mom actually heard wrong so it turned out fun anyway. His sister got home and we did the reveal to them. So it all worked out.
Sunday we went to his grandma and aunt's house and gave them the ? cupcakes from both groups to surprise them. Ryan said "I have a cupcake for you, it is special but I'm not telling you why... just take a bite as soon as I give it to you", they were confused, but did so anyway. It was fun to surprise them as well...

So... anyway, that's the story haha more details about the pregnancy thus far, our temporary puppy situation, and life here in Logan to come... but today is the first day I have felt like a human in a long time, so I'm going to attempt to be productive!



Our life has been CRAZY the last two months.

Where to start. I don't even know!
I guess a good place to catch up would be here.


some major bullet points (in no order):
  • We bought a HOUSE in Logan and moved in over the fourth of July! It has been so fun!
  • We painted and are all unpacked
  • Ryan went to des moines and I went to Vernal and fell in love with puppies (#getshelbieapuppy... it's real thing. use it)
  • I got my ears pierced to see if it would help with migraines- haven't had one since 6.29.2016- crazy huh?
and.... that's about it. well kind of...
more to come later :)



Let's just say I'm the worst.
I totally meant to post this last night, then again this morning, and then right when I got home...
Hello 10:00 PM.

Sorry 'bout it. 
Also on a scale of 1 to 10,
I'm a solid 15 for awkwardness.
(thanks to hubs for taking me for BOGO chipotle and then taking pictures for me)
props to all the fashion bloggers in the world,
cause getting dressed is a real struggle.

I think the idea was to get dressed up and put cute clothes on,
instead, I put on 7 dollar Forever 21 pants
and combat boots
 (you can't see them... again... I'm awkward)
girliness fail.

Here are the other lovely ladies participating in this month's How We Wore It! Check them out!

Deidre at Deidre Emme
Emily at Emmy Jake
Brooke at Silver Lining
Suerra at Sierra's View
Justine at Little Dove
Kiana at Glitter & Donuts
Tayler at The Morrell Tale
Patricia at haifisch
Kelsi at Lovestrong
Emma at Ever Emma
Nellwyn at The Cardinal Press
Ruth at My Little Nest

To sign up, go to Deidre's blog! It's selected randomly so don't feel bad if you don't get in the first time around!

here is the original picture
Spring Skirts



After talking with a friend that suffers from really bad anxiety, I felt like I should share this.
This is not completely about me,
this is just trying to help others see.
Yes things give me anxiety, but I'm learning to handle it.
This is just hoping to open the eyes of those around me. 
It isn't meant to offend anyone. Just to explain. 

There are two groups of people that I can see.
Those who hear the word anxiety and understand with empathy.
And those who hear the word anxiety and understand with sympathy.

The effects of anxiety can sometimes be explained,
   but being truly understood...
      that can only happen by those who have experienced it firsthand.

Witnessing anxiety may help you catch some insight
   but only feeling it can give true explanation.

We can tell you how our lungs feel tight,
   breathing is hard,
      and how our heads start to spin,
         while running 1,000 miles in 9 directions.

We can tell you how we fight back tears,
   how we're always looking for the closest escape path,
      or how it is easier to not decide and run than it is to face things.

We can tell you the flight or fight response
   that turns into a deer in the headlights.

We can explain to you the panic that sets in,
   the stress that doesn't leave,
      even during sleep.

We can tell you about the migraines that never seem to end,
   which make us sleep less
      and think more
         and make the migraines even worse
            which makes the stress grow
               which makes sleep even more elusive. 

 We can tell you how all we want to do is keep our head above water,
   but that the weight on our shoulders,
      the pressure in our lungs,
         and the pains in our back, neck and head
           are constantly pulling us back down;
              leaving us seconds away from panicking...
                 and how this feeling is happening all the time.

We can in talk circles about anxiety,
   but until/unless it is felt,
      it can't be understood.

We could tell you how we want to scream when people say "just relax"
   "it'll be fine"
      "you need to relax"
         "it isn't that big of a deal"
            "just breathe, it'll make you feel better".

Don't you think we've tried?

Can't you hear the tight and forced breaths?

Haven't you heard us say we know it isn't a big deal.

Don't you think we've tried yoga,
   we've tried running
      we've tried writing, painting, and reading.
         Anxiety is still the victor.

Don't you think we want this to be as easy as you say it is?

It isn't a choice.
   It is a reaction- one our bodies and minds make without giving us a choice.
      We are constantly fighting a battle against ourselves,
         how do we ever have a shot at winning?

It isn't for the attention.
   It is a real life, ever present, engulfing problem.
      It is the thought that at any moment we might not be able to breathe,
         like a thousand sandbags are filling our lungs and our chest.
           It isn't imaginary.

Some days it's fine.
   Some days it isn't.

We're learning,
   we are coping,
      just let us try.