1.12.2017

JUST BREATHE

Holy cow guys...
Life is crazy.
Our little girl will be here in 9 weeks (tomorrow) if she comes on her due date. That is a little mind blowing. I still have zero energy most of the time, but short naps in the afternoon help that. We finally bought stuff to finish a few projects around the house: paint for the crib, putting directors on a few of our heat vents so they don't blow straight into the windows. Ryan took a trip to DI we have been putting off for months and months. We have a few things we still need to hang up, but that will get done eventually. We also finally bought a new car battery- thanks to my sister and her husband for saving us haha.

Last week we had a little bit of a scare with baby girl and Ry and I were both in full out panic mode for a few hours, but everything is great! She's growing and loves to kick, I told Ryan I knew she'd be a soccer player haha I have since been in what Ryan calls "Princess Mode" which means he doesn't let me do anything- dishes, vacuuming, moping, laundry... I'd think about complaining but it is actually kind of great (but I didn't say that).

We are headed to Vernal for the weekend tomorrow. Then we only have one more trip to Orem scheduled (well two because I have to go back to get Ryan from the airport) and then we'll be homebodies until baby girl makes her entrance.  It is crazy how fast it is all happening, we're still over here trying to decide a nap and find a place for all baby things.

Ahh... trying not to panic :)

1.04.2017

THE WAY I USED TO BE

I've mentioned this before, I feel like it wasn't long ago- about how I miss habits I used to have and how I don't particularly like fears I now have. 

I spent about an hour today, reading blogs from a younger, naive, outspoken and unbroken version of myself. One who hadn't experienced much loss, much pain, much heartbreak. One who was completely comfortable sharing her thoughts, her views, her story. Looking back, I am kind of proud of her. High school can be a rough place to be figuring out yourself and though, obviously, there were lots of ups and downs- she wasn't afraid of who she was or worried about what others thought... I'd like to be that girl again, well that part of that girl, but I'll be honest with you- I'm not.

I'm not her because I have experienced pain and heartbreak, but I've also experienced more joy than that girl ever thought would be possible. I've felt loss and frustration, but I've also felt love and excitement that is beyond anything she could have dreamed. So... honestly, I'll never be that girl. 

Truth be told there are still parts of her in me, like using far too many "..." and my strange desire to not use proper capitalization, but there are also a lot of new parts of me. There is a girl who understands the meaning of friendship, who values her family, who plays the role of a wife, who will shortly add "mom" to the hats she tries to juggle. And that girl, the one who has grown so much since those old blog posts, I am proud of her too. 

I am proud that she learned she deserves happiness, proud that she understands her life matters, but isn't the most important thing. I am proud that she fell in love with herself, with the gospel, and then with a man who treats her like a princess... even when it is obvious she is not. I am proud that she learned what it truly means to love and to be loved, and that she wasn't so afraid of heartbreak or change that it stopped her from gaining those experiences. 

Maybe right now is a good time for me, and the person I am now, to grow and experience change again and to get some characteristics of that young girl back. To find someone who is unashamed of who she is, who is not afraid of what others think, to write- if only so she can remember... while still being the person she is now...

Wish me luck.   

12.29.2016

WE HAVE A MOMENT TO BREATHE

The last month has been crazy. We were home for a total of one weekend in December and I feel like everything is just going to get crazier- so while I have a minute to sit I decided I'd better write what I could. A few of my personal goals for next year are to be much better about writing on this blog, as well as in my journal, I'm attempting to participate in a picture a week photography challenge (since I can't seem to stay on top of these one a day things), and to be more active in sharing/growing the little business I started (here)- so hopefully I'll add a few more products this year. Anyway, eventually hopefully I'll start a blog for the 52 week thing, or perhaps just an Instagram account- I haven't decided yet.

A few exciting things from the month. 

Here is the closest thing I have to before and after pictures of baby girl's room. Ryan took Thursday off last week... and I made him paint- cause I'm the worst. But it looks SOOO much better. The purple was on all four walls and made the room feel so dark. We love how the blue/white turned out.
Now we just need to finish the crib and get some decorations going :)

Baby girl is 28 (well 29) weeks along, which means we are officially in the 3rd trimester, and let me tell you- I had stopped believing pretty much everything anyone said about pregnancy- because I felt like it never applied to me... but people kept saying all the energy they felt like they got back in the 2nd trimester magically disappeared in the 3rd- HOLY COW it is true. I feel like a zombie! Plus I can't sleep at night, so it makes it that much crazier.
  
Christmas was CRAZY. Ryan was super cute and got me a Garmin watch (similar to a fitbit) that I have been hinting at for months- so hopefully once baby is here I will be motivated to get back into shape. He was also an angel and didn't pout when I forgot his Christmas present in Logan... I'm blaming pregnancy brain for that one. But it was a great Christmas- both of us (and baby girl) are spoiled. This was my first official Christmas with the Brereton's and I can totally see why Ryan was confused when we spent most of our Christmas last year relaxing at home. The Brereton clan is pretty much go-go-go from sun up (ok 9:00 because we slept in) until late at night (we finally got home around 11). It was crazy.

Also you'll have to excuse the wonderful iPhone picture, I forgot my real camera, but this picture is one of the only family pictures the Brereton's have had in years like... before Ryan's mission- so my goal this year is to get real family pictures out of them haha but we'll see.



 

The crazy doesn't stop here- we''re headed to a doctor's appointment in a bit then running around like chicken's without heads until we are ready to go see my parents/family for the New Year.

Yay for Chaos!
I'll see you (hopefully more frequently) in next year :)

(ps I have always hated when people say that... like when they see you 12/30 and say "well... goodbye until next year!"... it is silly)



12.21.2016

87 DAYS

That's "hopefully" the longest time we'll have to wait until our newest addition joins our family... 87 days.

It kind of blows my mind.

She is getting so big, I feel her kick and move and stretch every day.
She gets stronger and stronger,
    she likes to wake me up in the middle of the night with a really strong kick...
         and hiccups.
She must be her momma's child cause she seems to love Dr. Pepper and anything chocolate.
She likes to kick her daddy when we cuddle on lazy mornings.
She prefers the right side of my belly over the left,
    which leads to a lopsided belly that looks super weird, but I won't complain.
And if you are curious, she cheers for both the rebels and the empire in Star Wars...
    (We went and saw the new movie and Ryan asked me to tell him when she kicked the most,
        it was very equal)

We finally got some carpet in her room, so that's good.
I decided one day to be ambitions and paint her crib while Ryan worked...
    We decided to redo her crib with spray paint, don't worry I had a mask on,
        and all the sudden Ryan came running in to the unfinished part of our basement
        where I was painting telling for me to stop.
        I was very confused as to why, until he said
            "you realize that there are like 3 flame sources in here
            and that our whole house smells like spray paint because
            you are painting right by the furnace"... my bad.
                Can we blame it on pregnancy brain?
So I think we are just going to paint over the spray paint... we'll see.
 We do need to finish it... some time haha

We started painting her room last night,
    I'm very excited to see how it turns out.
Then we need to get some decorations,
    because she currently has zero,
        and get everything put together.
My parents are nice enough to give us a rocking chair my mom has had for all of us kids,
    so we are excited about that.

In other words we have a lot to do still haha and 87 days feels a whole lot shorter than 3 months...
     But it is all pretty exciting.

11.17.2016

THE BEST DAY (SO FAR)

July 4th:
I decided that if nothing had happened by the next day, I would go get the medicine, but decided to take a test just to be sure. A line showed up, a really faint line, but a line nonetheless. I didn't believe it, and I definitely didn't want to tell Ryan unless I knew for sure. (The line in this picture is super hard to see, but in person, it was really there).
 So I asked a group on facebook if I was crazy, they said they saw it too and to take another test in a few hours... so I did.
(The top test was the first one and the bottom was the second)
There was definitely a line, and it was definitely darker than before. I still didn't want to tell Ryan. We were so excited about the house and about lawn mowers (yes we are old) and painting, and I didn't want to get excited about "nothing" again. So I decided I would wait until the next day.
Obviously I went a little crazy at this point,. Ryan at this point was probably confused why I had to pee so often haha cause I seriously went in there like 50 times. But now I for sure knew I wasn't crazy but I needed to see the word "pregnant" so I took a digital test that I had been hiding in the bathroom stuff. 
I honestly couldn't believe it. Or keep it a secret any longer. So I set up a little display in our room.
We had been painting all day, so I had to think of ways to get Ryan into our room. I asked him to see if my water was in there, then to grab my phone charger, then something else and finally I just told him I was tired and needed a nap. He let me go "nap" (really I was just sitting there waiting for him to come in) and about 30 minutes later her came in to check on me. That's when he finally saw it. He stood in the doorway with the cutest grin on his face and asked "does this mean? Are you really? Are we having a baby?"

There was a lot of laughter and a lot of tears, but mostly just happiness. This was it. It felt real this time, our little family of two was growing, and we couldn't have been more excited. 

11.16.2016

THE BACK STORY

Not many people know this story, but I decided it is something I want to share- because it helps me see how truly blessed we are. It is a long story, so feel free to skip around or skip it all haha. It also probably gives you more details of our life than you really want, so I won't be offended if you don't read it.

Sept. 2015:
I was having migraines about 3 times a week. We had tried adjusting our diets, water intake, exercise, sleep schedules, everything we could think of, but nothing helped. So we made an appointment with a doctor in Des Moines- she came to the same conclusion we had: it was either stress or hormones. We decided to see if stopping birth control would help. We know what most people probably think at this point- you've only been married for 6 months, you don't need a baby yet. We have always wanted to start having kids fairly quickly, so we figured 6 months or a year, what was the difference. So I stopped taking it, and we decided to just see what would happen. We knew how cycles and ovulation worked, and for those who know how "planner" oriented Ryan and I are, we were basically trying without saying it. In our minds, we were probably going to end up pregnant that month, because that's what you always hear about happening right? Well that wasn't the case for us.

December 2015/January 2016:
We talked with the doctor at my yearly check up and told her what we had been doing up to this point- she told us that if we weren't pregnant by March to come talk to her again because we were young and healthy and there really shouldn't be too much going on.

March 2016:
We moved back to Utah, I went to see a new doctor and told her everything the last doctor had talked with us about. She asked me to start being more specific in tracking my cycles- this included taking my temperature each morning, coming in on days 3 and 21 of my cycle to check my hormone levels. The next month she told us she didn't think I was actually ovulating- she wanted us to track my cycle for one more month before we moved forward.

April 10th 2016:
I was late- which never happened. I was always very, very regular with my cycles. So... I took a pregnancy test- it was really really faintly positive but I wanted to have more proof before I told Ryan. Besides, his birthday was the next day, so it would be super fun to tell him then. Then next morning I took another test and sure enough, the line was there and slightly darker than before, so I told Ryan. We were so excited. I told him we could call the doctor later that day and let her know that she was wrong and that I was pregnant. About 5 o'clock that night I started cramping really bad and my period started. I had heard it was possible to spot for the first few weeks of pregnancy, but this wasn't just spotting (tmi? sorry). The doctor's office was closed for the day, so Ryan and I started reading what we could. I started asking a few groups on facebook if this had happened to anyone and what it meant. The answer was pretty unanimous- we had what they call a chemical pregnancy. Which is basically a very early miscarriage. I was devastated. It was Ryan's birthday and I had already done something wrong to make us lose our baby. It was a rough night. The next morning, I called the doctor to let her know what had happened. She asked told me that we should wait a cycle before we try again, just so my body could get back in rhythm- I don't know why, but this made the whole thing worse. To top it off my migraines were back with vengence.

I was angry, with myself, with the doctor, but mostly with Heavenly Father. Why would he get our hopes up, just to take them away? Why us? I knew there were a lot of possibilities about why it had happened but it still didn't seem right. My sister and her husband had only tried for about a month before she got pregnant and here we were, about 7 months into the whole thing. I blamed myself and Heavenly Father. I knew he had a plan for Ryan and I and our little family, but I didn't care. I was mad.

May 2016:
The cycle after our chemical was extremely long- 45 days to be exact (where 30 was fairly normal). The doctor said that usually means you aren't ovulating or if you are the egg is no longer viable. She said for the next cycle if it got to be longer than 35 days to come in and they'd give me some medication to jumpstart the next one.

July 1st:
The doctor called and asked why she hadn't heard from me- it was two days passed the time I was supposed to call for medication. I told her we had been really busy and I had been out of town for a week and then we were moving that weekend, so I honestly had forgotten. She said she would call the prescription in for me, as well as one for Clomid, because she said there was basically no way we could get pregnant on our own. She called it into Logan so I could go pick it up anytime that weekend.

I felt really nervous about going to get it, to be honest, it just felt wrong. We were pretty sure I had ovulated that month, just way later than we thought- so taking that medicine would be I basically took away any chance we had of getting pregnant that month.

11.10.2016

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH

I haven't dared write for a while,
          which is silly to me...
I've always felt comfortable writing,
          mostly because no one really reads this-
                    except maybe Ryan.

Anyway, with everything that has been going on in the world,
I have been so worried about offending someone
          or sharing something too personal.
So it has been easier to just not write anything.
I've tried to be better at my written journal,
          but truth be told,
                    my handwriting is bad
                              and I'm lazy.
Typing is much easier,
          and I'm better able to keep up with my brain while typing.

Why am I telling you all this?
I'm not totally sure.

I don't know if this means I've decided to write on a more personal blog for only me and my little family to see.
Or if I really don't care what other people think...
I'm kind of at a loss.
So... that's all.