7.10.2016

HOLY COW

Our life has been CRAZY the last two months.

Where to start. I don't even know!
I guess a good place to catch up would be here.

BUT

some major bullet points (in no order):
  • We bought a HOUSE in Logan and moved in over the fourth of July! It has been so fun!
  • We painted and are all unpacked
  • Ryan went to des moines and I went to Vernal and fell in love with puppies (#getshelbieapuppy... it's real thing. use it)
  • I got my ears pierced to see if it would help with migraines- haven't had one since 6.29.2016- crazy huh?
and.... that's about it. well kind of...
more to come later :)

5.04.2016

HOW WE WORE IT

Let's just say I'm the worst.
I totally meant to post this last night, then again this morning, and then right when I got home...
Hello 10:00 PM.

Sorry 'bout it. 
Also on a scale of 1 to 10,
I'm a solid 15 for awkwardness.
(thanks to hubs for taking me for BOGO chipotle and then taking pictures for me)
props to all the fashion bloggers in the world,
cause getting dressed is a real struggle.

I think the idea was to get dressed up and put cute clothes on,
instead, I put on 7 dollar Forever 21 pants
and combat boots
 (you can't see them... again... I'm awkward)
girliness fail.

Here are the other lovely ladies participating in this month's How We Wore It! Check them out!



Deidre at Deidre Emme
Emily at Emmy Jake
Brooke at Silver Lining
Suerra at Sierra's View
Justine at Little Dove
Kiana at Glitter & Donuts
Tayler at The Morrell Tale
Patricia at haifisch
Kelsi at Lovestrong
Emma at Ever Emma
Nellwyn at The Cardinal Press
Ruth at My Little Nest

To sign up, go to Deidre's blog! It's selected randomly so don't feel bad if you don't get in the first time around!

here is the original picture
Spring Skirts

4.12.2016

I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN

After talking with a friend that suffers from really bad anxiety, I felt like I should share this.
This is not completely about me,
this is just trying to help others see.
Yes things give me anxiety, but I'm learning to handle it.
This is just hoping to open the eyes of those around me. 
It isn't meant to offend anyone. Just to explain. 

There are two groups of people that I can see.
Those who hear the word anxiety and understand with empathy.
And those who hear the word anxiety and understand with sympathy.

The effects of anxiety can sometimes be explained,
   but being truly understood...
      that can only happen by those who have experienced it firsthand.

Witnessing anxiety may help you catch some insight
   but only feeling it can give true explanation.

We can tell you how our lungs feel tight,
   breathing is hard,
      and how our heads start to spin,
         while running 1,000 miles in 9 directions.

We can tell you how we fight back tears,
   how we're always looking for the closest escape path,
      or how it is easier to not decide and run than it is to face things.

We can tell you the flight or fight response
   that turns into a deer in the headlights.

We can explain to you the panic that sets in,
   the stress that doesn't leave,
      even during sleep.

We can tell you about the migraines that never seem to end,
   which make us sleep less
      and think more
         and make the migraines even worse
            which makes the stress grow
               which makes sleep even more elusive. 

 We can tell you how all we want to do is keep our head above water,
   but that the weight on our shoulders,
      the pressure in our lungs,
         and the pains in our back, neck and head
           are constantly pulling us back down;
              leaving us seconds away from panicking...
                 and how this feeling is happening all the time.

We can in talk circles about anxiety,
   but until/unless it is felt,
      it can't be understood.

We could tell you how we want to scream when people say "just relax"
   "it'll be fine"
      "you need to relax"
         "it isn't that big of a deal"
            "just breathe, it'll make you feel better".

Don't you think we've tried?

Can't you hear the tight and forced breaths?

Haven't you heard us say we know it isn't a big deal.

Don't you think we've tried yoga,
   we've tried running
      we've tried writing, painting, and reading.
         Anxiety is still the victor.

Don't you think we want this to be as easy as you say it is?

It isn't a choice.
   It is a reaction- one our bodies and minds make without giving us a choice.
      We are constantly fighting a battle against ourselves,
         how do we ever have a shot at winning?

It isn't for the attention.
   It is a real life, ever present, engulfing problem.
      It is the thought that at any moment we might not be able to breathe,
         like a thousand sandbags are filling our lungs and our chest.
           It isn't imaginary.

Some days it's fine.
   Some days it isn't.

We're learning,
   we are coping,
      just let us try.

4.05.2016

SAVED AS A DRAFT. UNPUBLISHED. DELETED.

I'm aware I've been MIA on both this blog and our 365 for quite some time, and though only Ryan and a rare few ever read these- I apologize anyway.
I could tell you it is because we've been busy-
     which is true.
I could also tell you that between working 40 hours and 16 credits I just don't have time-
     which is also true.
There could be a list of reasons I haven't written...
     all of which are true,
         none of which are the actual reason.

Though the sentences below will lead you to think contrary,
I don't mean to be vague, mysterious or obscure... the truth is that writing has hurt. 
All the thoughts I want to tell you, feel too personal. 
All the things I think about saying, I don't dare put into words. 
All the stories I want to be writing, wouldn't feel true. 
All the posts I've written in my head, I don't want to be viewed.  

I've been in a funk.
Because all these plans we are making, don't seem to be coming anytime soon.
I've been wishing, we've been praying, doing all that we can do,
    and yet we show up, empty handed.

Stress has been getting the better of me.
Emotions too.
Poor Ryan has had to put up with a lot, and yet he still loves me. 
I'm pretty stinking lucky. 

Now don't worry, I know those sound negative.
Ryan and I are doing great.
He's amazing and wonderful as ever.
We are happy to be back in Utah, surrounded by family.
We have been able to spend time with both sides,
    welcome his sister home from the Philippines
       and enjoy our anniversary together since I last wrote.
Stories and video of all these will come around soon.
I just need the time and energy to finish them.

Until then, sorry to leave you with such unexplained words. 

2.11.2016

'CAUSE MY MOM WAS RIGHT

She used to say it to me all the time, 
"you get what you get, don't throw a fit." 
Sounds familiar, 
right?

I feel like I should know by now, 
you don't get to make all the choices in life. 
Some hands are just dealt and you deal with them- 
no go fish, no swapping, 
no cards up your sleeve,
no one peeking over your shoulder to make sure you win. 

And sometimes you don't quite catch life's bluffs. 
You wholeheartedly believe that you are playing the same game, 
the same hand. 

Then all the sudden you look up, 
from your game of 5-Card Draw,
 to find out that life has been playing Texas Hold 'Em... 
and it sucks. 

That sneaking son-of-a-gun had you thinking you were going to win, 
going to succeed, 
going to have all your wildest wishes come true... 

then it hands you a used Dum Dum and says 
"better luck next time." 

You got played, 
you were hustled, 
you played right life's winning hand.

And it sucks.

But what sucks more,
is seeing those around you,
at their own tables with life,
playing the game you thought you were playing,
and winning without trying.

Success without effort.

But you,
you're sweat covered,
out of tears,
not sure what to do next...
and they've got everything you wanted.
All that you worked for,
was handed to them...

That sucks too.

But you have to be happy,
you have to celebrate with them,
cheer them on...
while secretly wishing it was you.

I guess mom's really do know it all. 

2.04.2016

PASSIONS

It has been a scary process, one that I wish I would have embarked on a few days sooner- but that's the past and I can't really change it, so I'll just move forward. Many of you know, I started taking online classes this semester- changing my major for the umpteenth time. Communicative Disorders and Deaf Education. I loaded up with 16 credits and settled in for the long haul. The start of this week though, I realized I really honestly and truthfully couldn't care less about place of articulation or transcribing words into their phonetic sounds. I just don't, I was trying really hard to be excited... but every time someone mentioned teaching I felt like I was missing something.

Unfortunately the last day to drop classes was the end of January- thus why I wish I would have realized sooner.

Anyway, Ryan has been a saint. He is the most supportive person I've ever met and I am so so so thankful for his push for me to start over in looking at school options. Now all that's left is to figure out what, where, how and when... Ya know, nothing to major. We spent hours last night making a Ryan version of a pro/con list and got a few good ideas, but we have a bunch of things to factor in that we don't even know how to factor. M

So here's to the long road of finding what I want to be when I grow up...

#foreverastudent

1.28.2016

TO LIVE

She sees them, the limbs people always say to go out on. The ones people say will help her climb higher. The ones she's sure will break and cause her to fall. She sees them. Always there, always taunting. She's been too afraid to reach out, to step towards the unknown... but these days she has to. The unknown is the only place that change can happen, the only way progression is made. 

She didn't see, all this time, the hands reach towards her. The ones for her to hold: the ones that won't let her fall. She didn't see the strength of others, that she could borrow. She felt the wind pushing her further, but never looked back to see the cause. Those who want her to reach higher, to be better, to progress, to change, to grow. She saw the trees, the narrow limbs, the cracked bark... but she never looked to see the scaffolding built to support her on her way. that the bark was cracked from the nails holding this little world together. 

She's pretty lucky.